The last few months have probably been some of the most anxious and vulnerable. I thought that I would have found a part time job when I got to California, but I didn’t. I thought it would be easier to find a Nursing job once I passed the NCLEX, but it isn’t. I had one interview and I realized that I thought it would be easier to mask the fact that my heart isn’t in the hospital. Yes, I want to get experience. I do want to develop my nursing skills, so I can use them in the mission field if I need to. That’s not what the business industry is looking for. They want to see passion and long-term commitment. My goals don’t fit with their agenda.
I try to help with groceries despite my limited budget. After three SIM cards, we finally figured out that I have to send my phone back to China to be fixed (I’ll be so glad when I don’t have to buy phones on Ebay). Unexpected expenses over $5 cause my blood pressure to raise. One of my tires is currently flat. My bank decided to charge me a $6 service fee equivalent to a week of gas. I hate being dependent when there is so much need in the world.
Everyone has an opinion. “Do this!” “Don’t do that!” “You need to get this type of job.” “You should just go back to school.” “Why don’t you have a job yet?” “Let me figure out your situation.”
However, my own thoughts are probably the most damming. I feel woefully inadequate. Should I really have taken a degree in Nursing? Perhaps, I should give up and pursued something else. Should I go to the mission field now? What am I doing wrong? The plethora of choices is overwhelming. I am not always sure which one to pursue.
Talk to God
“The name of the LORD is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10 (New Living Translation)
I spent so many of the past mornings crying out to God. Asking him where he wanted me to go from here. Is it because I am not trying hard enough? Was there something that I was doing wrong. I won’t lie and say that God was responding, but it is a safe place.
“When you are grateful – when you can see what you have – you unlock blessings to flow in your life.” –Suze Orman
If I look around, I notice that God is always providing for me. May it be an extra $10 for gas from a friend –a direct answer to my prayer. Kind friends offering to give me a ride when I am still afraid of conquering the freeway. A refreshing concert and company of my favorite friends on the most stressful of weekends. He anticipates emergencies better than I do. Somehow, he has already provided.
“No person, trying to take responsibility for her or his identity, should have to be so alone. There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep, and still be counted as warriors.” ― Adrienne Rich
Sometimes, encouragement surprises me like my close friend’s testimony this past weekend. Other times, I must go find it like GYC’s podcast with Sebastian Braxton “How to Navigate Past Brick Walls
.” I’ve been doing a lot of coming away and resting awhile
. It might be drowning my self in a good playlist of Christian Music or a long walk. Sometimes, it will be crying in the arms of a safe person. Often, it will be dragging myself out of the house to experience rich fellowship.
“We have nothing to fear for the future, except as we shall forget the way the Lord has led us, and His teaching in our past history.” –Ellen White
This past weekend, my close friend told his testimony at ourcongregation of believers
. He recounted how God had lead him through Dental School. It was powerful. I had a special vantage point because I knew him all my life and basically all of his. The stories brought me back to many of the times and places he described. I was overwhelmed with the work that God has been doing in his life. If God could do that for my friend, surely, He could do that for me.
His stories took me back to my stories. Freshman year of Nursing School was really hard. I badly wanted to throw in the towel in Sophomore year.
Remember how Anatomy and Physiology class used to make me cry in the very first semester. I couldn’t understand anything that first semester. I would miss assignments and the lab instructor was fiercely unsympathetic. I could understand enough to understand her biting words that there were plenty of schools in the States that I could have gone to. Apparently, I wasn’t welcome there.
I was praying really hard after Sophomore because I wasn’t sure if Nursing was for me. Yet, God was clear. I was right where he wanted me to be. He had given me a passion for writing that he wanted me to pursue, but right now he wanted to equip me as a Nurse.
I was in one of those places again. God hasn’t revealed what’s up next, but I am right where he wants me. It’s really hard right now, but He has a plan.